Thursday, December 5, 2013
I pick out stylish clothes for him and make sure he's not wearing conflicting colors or prints. I buy non-babyish baby clothes and stay away from pastels and the animal shit. He doesn't re-wear stained or ripped clothes. He is my dapper little boy. And today, someone commented. 20 months of life and someone finally noticed how smashing my son is! Not that I do it for the praise.
A mom at his daycare asked me where I get Brandon's clothes and said he always has the best outfits. I agreed. He does. She told me she wanted to discreetly ask if we were done having kids so she could buy some of his old clothes off of me. They're not for sale. They're for Holden. He will be just as stylish and dapper as Brandon. Not that I care whether anyone notices. Not that that comment today made my day or anything.
Quick! Someone steal my credit card before I log on to H&M or Gap and go nuts.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
We watched The Family Man the other day. I love that movie. I have a theory that that movie would be a huge hit if it had a different leading actor. If Ryan Gosling or Bradley Cooper or Jon Hamm played the lead role. No one likes Nicholas Cage. But it is a great story nonetheless. Towards end, when Nicholas Cage is telling Téa Leoni about the life he had before he was a family man, this is how she responds:
Kate: I think about it too. I do. I wonder about what kind of life I would have had if I hadn't married you.
Kate: Then I realize I've just erased all the things in my life that I'm sure about. You and the kids.
Jack: Good things.
I love that. I don't know if it's natural, but being a (previously) fiercely independent woman, I sometimes wonder about if life had turned out differently. If I would be married or have kids or live in a house or be happy. And what Téa Leoni said is exactly what I know. If I didn't have Steve and Brandon and baby Holden, I wouldn't have anything solid at all. My boys are the first people I have ever felt loved me unconditionally. They know I'm stubborn and opinionated and moody. They love me despite my shortcomings. They don't only accept me as I am, they love me as I am.
My whole life I have felt pushed and prodded to be someone other than myself. To be someone different - someone that people will like and accept as normal. I always feel pressured to act more pious or diplomatic or agreeable. It all feels phony. And I've come to realize that it's hard to be anyone other than yourself. To be these different versions for different people is exhausting. It emotionally drains me and I am stressed out and anxious and frustrated as a result. And I wish I could say I no longer have to be those other versions. But I am. So it is home where I find my solace. My boys here love me for the authentic me. They are the only things in my life that I am sure about. Good things.
(Sureness: Middle English, from Old French, safe, from Latin securus; see secure.)
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Tonight I rocked Brandon to sleep after reading books while we listened to Jack Johnson. Holden jumped and kicked so furiously that he would move Brandon's arm. Brandon didn't seem to mind, he just closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. It was a pretty amazing moment - my two sons and I, our hearts beating within inches of each other. I know Brandon is probably too old to rock to sleep each night, but it is my favorite time of the day and I can't seem to give it up. I will give up everything else, but not that. Not yet.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
It has been no secret that Steve and I would love another boy. Steve picked out Brandon's name in an agreement that I would get to pick out our second child's name. I've been holding onto this name for two years, waiting to have a baby to give it to. The name, of course, is for a boy. Our toys and clothes are for a boy. Our personalities are suited for a boy.
So today, at our 20-week appointment, we anxiously waited to hear that our next baby is also a boy. If it isn't, I would be faking a sonogram like Miranda did in Sex and the City. I brought all of my testosterone with me - both Steve and Brandon; I stacked the deck in our favor. And the ultrasound tech got a good look at our littlest one and announced that it is, indeed a boy.
Holden Paul will be here in twenty more weeks. My baby has an identity that has been long awaiting his arrival. I feel like I already know him. He is my sweet second boy. A bit less adventurous and more quiet than Brandon, I presume. Yet funny and loving and smart. He will be here soon, in my arms at last, this second boy I've been hoping for since I was a young child. My dream of having two boys is reality now.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
When we are young, we are vibrant and adventurous and
energetic and charismatic. Or at least, that’s how we choose to remember
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
Not long ago, I was devastated. I was disappointed, then upset, then resentful. I let those emotions play out. I wrote to clear my head of it. I talked it through with Steve. And then, I chose to let it go. I decided I can chose to harbor resentment and be angry, but that is not a state of mind I constantly want to be in. I choose otherwise. I don't feel that I did wrong, I feel that I was wronged, but that doesn't matter. Who did what or who hurt who or why is outside of my control. What is inside my control is how I react. And I responded in all of the natural ways - the ways my mind told me to. I said my piece, I was honest and transparent. And now, I've moved on.
This is a maturity turning point for me. I am aging, and trying to do so more gracefully than my youth would have told you I would. And do you know what happened once I said my piece and played out my emotions and then let it go? The person who wronged me apologized. We all have a choice of how to respond to what happens to us. Life is too short to be constantly weighed down by hate and anger. I choose to let it go. I choose to get rid of the anger so the happiness can stay.
Posted by holly at 6:32 PM
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Steve and I have started reading our first parenting book. And something I read tonight stuck out to me:
What is it that I really want from my child? When my baby has grown into an adult, what characteristics do I want him to have?
Here is what I wish for the adult Brandon:
Respect: I hope that he treats people with respect. And I don't just mean the polite stuff like opening and holding doors. I mean when people talk to him, he listens. He seeks to understand other people from their point of view, rather than his own. He treats people as they can and should be, rather than as they are.
Independence: I hope that he is resourceful and self-reliant and adventurous enough to take care of himself and his family. That although he has people he can rely on, he will not rely on them in lieu or learning and doing it himself. That he gains a quiet confidence in his own capability because of what he was able to build himself.
Self-assurance: I hope that he is instilled with an intrinsic sense of self-worth so he does not need outside forces to tell him his value. He will not rely on others to define himself. He will not require accolades for motivation, he will not require compliments to feel attractive, he will not need a challenge to prove what he can do. He is good enough, smart enough, capable enough despite the unpredictable bars of those around him.
Unconditional love: I hope that he loves without condition. That when someone he loves disagrees with him or changes a bit or is being hard to love, that that doesn't change his love for them. I hope that his love for others is more than a passing feeling - that it is a deep, committed friendship. That he doesn't hold grudges or avoid someone he loves who has wronged him. Instead, he has faith in who they will become and loves them anyway.
Passion: I hope that he finds activities, people, projects, jobs that motivate him, excite him, and energize him. I hope that he maintains the curiosity and creativity he had in his adolescence and is continually recharged by it.
Humility: Despite what a spectacular individual he becomes, I hope that he does not act like he is better than anyone else. I hope that maintains a level-head and an approachable personality and a positive outlook. I hope he leads by example, rather than by authority. I hope his actions speak louder than other people's words.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
People give pain, are callous and
insensitive, empty and cruel...but place heals the hurt, soothes the
outrage, fills the terrible vacuum that these human beings make. ~ Eudora Welty
I love coming home. The highlight of my day is bringing Brandon back home after long days at work and daycare. Here I am happy. Here, I am free from all the people who cause pain. Here, I can read and write and refocus. Here I am no longer bombarded with the days ups and downs that don't matter in the grand scheme of life. Here, life has purpose. Here, there is love and happiness and warmth.
Outside, it's man's cruel world. Out there is hatred and spite and malice and evil. But inside, we're family. Inside, there's love.
Posted by holly at 10:31 PM