light

Be light. There is enough darkness. 

Be helpful. There are enough people who aren't.

Be kind. There are plenty of people who think only of themselves.

Be positive. People will flock to that. 

Like moths to a flame. 

Finding a way out of the darkness by that one small, yet powerful light source. 

I have been surrounded by darkness lately.

I will not let people make me believe that I am anything less than I am. 

I will not let people persuade me or manipulate me or deceive me. 

I will be stronger, smarter, happier, more positive. 

I will be light. 

Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness. ~ Anne Frank


We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. ~ Plato

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Sweaty curls

The best feeling in the world is when your child comes up to you and lays their head in your lap, for no other reason but just because. I can't wait to have more. 
~ Marlee Matlin

Brandon work up Monday morning red as a beet with quite the fever on him. We took him to the doctor who found an ulcer on his throat. Brandon has foot, hand, and mouth disease. Steve and I alternated between taking care of him and our work schedules. Yesterday, I spent the day with Brandon. Him and I haven't spent a whole day together just the two of us since before he went to daycare. I have missed it being just him and me - in our own little world as if the rest of it doesn't exist.

Although he has been crabby, there have been moments of serenity, too. Like last night when he laid his head on my chest and I felt his little body heave up and down as he drifted into sleep. I laid there, stroking his hair, admiring the way it curls on the ends. And I thought to myself, this little man is all mine. It hit me like it hasn't before that I am the one responsible for this little being. He will grow up and become an independent, responsible man and I will be the first woman he ever loved. I will always have that. 

I am no longer the one seeking a comforter, I am the comforter. I am the one whose room he will run into when he's scared and who he will make Mother's Day cards for - scrawled messily to perfection. I am his mom. I am the most important person in the world to him. And to be the most important person in the world to anybody is something worth living for. 

To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.
~Bill Wilson

When you subtract all the other noise, isn't it people that live in the silence? I read a blog comment that said The important thing about life is love. Everything else is just a distraction. I love that. And I'm getting bored of being distracted. I'm finally ready to focus.

Mother's Day

Never raise your hand to your kids.  It leaves your groin unprotected.  ~Red Buttons

Sweater, n.:  garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.  ~Ambrose Bierce

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.  ~Aristotle 

I could do my usual and write a sappy Mother's Day post. But today, I'd rather laugh.  It's been 13 months of raising this little ragamuffin. And I have laughed at him many a time. He's fun: He waves at girls at Target. He tries drinking out of a big boy cup and spills it all over his shirt. If I put his paci in my mouth, he will kiss me to get it back. 

I think having kids reminds you of your youth. But this time, you can watch it objectively - watch a child grow up and learn all without the humiliation and embarrassment you had yourself. He is keeping me younger than my wrinkly eyes and frizzy hair tell you I am. 

I will leave you with a quote that gives me a little clarity as to last Saturday's post about Mommy Guilt: 

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs... since the payment is pure love.  ~Mildred B. Vermont 

Thank you to all the mothers in my life - mine, Steve's, Steve's grandparents, our aunts, our cousins, our siblings, our friends. This is an amazing thing we are doing - raising children.  The responsibility is enormous; the payoff is larger still.  

Something good

Before:

    After:

Steve and I had been planning and saving for a new roof. A roof is so expensive. We tried to get out of paying for it - a couple years ago, Steve called an insurance adjustor out, hoping that sometime in the past fifteen years there had been significant enough hail damage that our insurance would cover the cost. No dice.

A few weeks ago, we finally bit the bullet and Steve scheduled some roofing companies out for estimates. That same week, we had a hailstorm. A bad enough hailstorm that this time, the insurance adjustor did find significant enough damage that our insurance would cover the cost. So today, the roofing company re-roofed us. And we paid nothing.

Do you know that song from The Sound of Music called Something Good? Sure, the lyrics are about falling in love, but if you don't know the context, I think these lyrics apply about a new roof:


Somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Mommy guilt

It's been nearly a year since Brandon began daycare. I thought the guilt would subside by now. Maybe I think about it less, since I have the stresses of work occupying part of my mind, but the guilt is still there; lurking in a dark corner of my mind, comfortable and not planning to leave any time soon.

It was different in the 80s and 90s, when I was growing up. Most moms stayed home with their kids. I don't remember women even being asked what their profession was - it was understood that if they had kids, they stayed home. Thirty years has passed from when I was born and times have changed. But my mind is nostalgic. It remembers my own childhood and thinks that is the way childhoods should be.

I work 40 hours a week and Brandon is in daycare 45. That means at least half of his waking hours are at daycare. I can't feel good about that. He is learning things - he is learning what they teach him at daycare. But his attitude, the part that I'm supposed to shape, it's not the best. He is grouchy and needy and whiny. And I know that every hour that I'm not with him I'm not helping him at all.

Did you know children's personalities are shaped by age 5? That means I only have four years left to right my wrongs. But I haven't quit my job. I still work 40 hours a week. I don't know what our answer is. I don't know if Brandon or I would like spending every waking moment together until he goes to school. I don't know if that would replace current stresses with different ones. I don't know a lot of things. I just know that Mommy Guilt is an ugly creature, lurking inside of me. I want to get it out.

Relentless Winter, you old grouch!

May 2nd in Omaha: 

 

Winter refuses to admit its fame has ended. 

 

He holds on tight, like a leach, to Spring. 

 

Refusing to give Spring its day. 

Blocking the sun so we remember just how powerful he is.

Chasing success

I'm 30 years old. 30 fucking years old. And I still have no idea what I'm doing. How long does it take to figure life out? A lifetime? It seems that once people get everything sorted out, their best years are behind them. But maybe that's the beauty of life - an endless cycle of trial and error.

I think about these things a lot. I doubt most people think about it as often as I do. I am always reflecting on what I do and who I am and who I should be. I reflect on what I don't like and what I do like and why it seems I do more of the former than the latter.

Maybe life is never completely perfect but it's the pursuit of happiness that fulfills us. Aren't we always discontent? Always thinking, if only _________, then I'd be happy. I am a mostly fulfilled person. I am fulfilled with my son and my husband. I love this house we live in. I am generally a rather content person. But isn't it like us to find the one thing we aren't content with and let it consume us? To let that hold more weight than all the many things we are content with?

Perhaps it's a matter of evolution. Strong people are always evolving into better and stronger people. Weak people have no drive to become any different than they currently are. I have no absence of drive. I am very driven and motivated. Maybe that's why when there is something I'm unhappy with, I think about it. I think about how I can change it. And if my solution doesn't work, I change my tactics.

That has worked for me, mostly. I am successful by other people's standards. But what I really want is to be successful by my own standards. And my standards differ from other people's. I asked my interviewee today what success meant to her. And she said it meant enjoying what you do; every day waking up and being excited about what is in store for you. I really liked that. Success to me isn't a job title or a salary or a Range Rover. Success isn't a bank account balance or a mansion or an ivy league education. Success is enjoying life to your fullest capacity. And that means something else to everyone.

So yeah, maybe I am 30 fucking years old and still trying to figure it out. But maybe I'm not the only one. Maybe we all in some way are always chasing an elusive vision of what our life could be. And if there is a way to get there, that's got to be it.

Brandon's world

  

He crawls into everything. He opens any cupboards, pulls things off shelves, and wriggles his way wherever it is he wants to go. 

He doesn't apologize, but he looks so damn cute that I can't stay mad at him.

He gets bored indoors and begs for the outside. 

By the end of the day, he has worn himself right out.

Proactivity

You might recall, I have a goal this year of becoming more disciplined. I have a ways to go, but I've made a start and I'm already reaping the benefits. Here's how I've changed:

Action: I kicked caffeine
Results: I save tons of money on Scooter's Coffee; my body now sleeps when it needs to since caffeine isn't dictating its alertness; I'm now 100% addiction free!

Action: I started eating healthier (no fast food, nothing fried, very limited desserts)
Results: I feel better; I look better; we save money on eating out

Action: I started walking and running outside
Results: Better mood; lost a few lbs; better use of my time than watching TV

Here are my next to dos:

1. Get Brandon on a nighttime routine. This sucks. I started it on Monday. I have never heard so much crying from him. But I feel like we're getting there. I have to make it a habit before it will stick.

2. Less TV, more reading. Luckily, the good shows are mostly over now. I can at least make this stick until Big Brother but I haven't committed to giving that up. Everyone has to have a guilty pleasure!

3. Spend more time working on the house. I would love to always have a clean house and immaculate yard and be in the midst of an improvement project. That hasn't happened yet.

Here is how I am different:

I really believe that being more disciplined in my life is changing me. Slowly but surely, I'm becoming a better person. And good things have happened in my life as a result.

I'm a firm believer in your life is what you make of it. If you're unhappy, change it. So many people are reactive and their lives are dictated by what happens to them. I'm proactive and believe you can make your life what it is. Discipline is how I've been proactive in my life. Feels good - and I've only just begun!

First year lessons

Sometimes it's hard to believe that a year has passed so quickly. Sometimes it feels like it's been more than a year. But either way, to think about my life before Brandon is hard to do. He is my everything now. I have reflected a bit on what I've learned this past year:

1. There's no way around buying sweatpants for your child. Sometimes (usually) comfy beats out style (for both of us).
2. Kids are full of poop and snot and piss and spit. Get over it - they're disgusting, so you will be too.
3. Kids love adventure - throw them in the air or spin them around and they're happy (you won't drop them).
4. Forget about "me time." Period.
5. All of your time is kid time. So just settle in for a long hour of Sesame Street without complaining.

 6. Buy your kid an expensive toy and he will just want to play with the box it came in. Dollar bin now!
 7. When you try to distract him from something, he'll only be interested in what you're trying to distract him from.
8. If you worry too much, you'll drive yourself crazy. Kids will fall down. Bruises will heal.
9. Sometimes it's easier to give your child what he wants than cause a temper tantrum.
10. Every time there is a temper tantrum, I'm thankful for my husband being here to help me. It takes a village. It truly does.

splish splash

This kid would stay in the bath tub all day if you let him.

 

 His little fingers and toes get all pruney.

He gets excited every time I take him upstairs because he thinks that means it's bath time.

 

I take him out when he has soaked me with his splashing.

Brandon's 1st birthday

Yesterday was Brandon's 1st birthday party. And I might have gone a little overboard. But he only turns one once. I could talk forever, but since pictures are worth a thousand words, let me give you tens of thousands of words instead:

 

 

best week ever

I'm having a good week. Here's why:

1. I wrote a very therapeutic blog post
2. I caught up with an old friend
3. I'm back on my thyroid medication and have much more energy already
4. I was promoted at work
5. I got to hold a friend's brand new baby and remember how small my little boy once was
6. My little boy is a week away from his big birthday
7. I got two new blazers
8. We have soft water again
9. I interviewed some excellent candidates (that really gets my blood pumping)
10. I finally finished a book this year
11. I cleaned out my closet
12. It was 70 degrees today!
13. I got a new prescription and new glasses
14. Happy Endings is back on
15. Brandon learned to climb the stairs today


Enough complaining! I have a happy life. If you hear me bitching, tell me to shut the fuck up.

clogging up spaces where love can be

People do strange things when they're judged all the time instead of being loved. ~ 3.24.13 Californication

I heard this and immediately wanted to write about it. I wanted to say something about it because it's a thought I've had but never put into words. And you should get your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. That's what writers do. And I'm working towards being a writer.

I was born with an idea in my parents' heads of who I should become. Parents should always want the best for their child. But I also believe they should be open to all the different outcomes that could come in. I was born to be a naïve, Christian girl. It was a path laid out for me. So, as good children do, I tried to honor my parents and make them proud. I memorized verses, I finished 12 years of AWANA. I was a Christian Camp counselor. I taught Sunday school. I went on missions trips. I was the holy grail when it came to sheltered Christian kids.

I didn't curse, I didn't smoke, I didn't experiment with drugs or alcohol. I didn't get piercings or tattoos. I didn't date older guys. I didn't date guys at all. I never watched a "R" rated movie. I was top tier Christian girl. It doesn't get much more pure than that. I gave the Virgin Mary a run for her money. If I had lived back then, maybe that could have been me. I was a virgin, after all.

But after high school, I went away to college. A Christian college, mind you, but I went away nonetheless. And space was all I needed to find out who I was. I already knew who I was supposed to be. But I didn't know who I was. The space away from my family and my church allowed me to just be. Not to be my parents' daughter or the good church girl - just to be.

It was in college where I learned what I liked. I hadn't heard much music besides Point of Grace, so I finally listened to and picked music I enjoyed. I found out what kind of people I gravitate towards. I discovered what it is I really love to do. In college, I wrote. And the more I wrote, the more myself I felt. And the more myself I became, the less churchy I became.

I morphed from overly judgmental to more accepting. I began to think for myself. I believed in what I thought, rather than what I was told. I learned I have a sense of humor. I guess I didn't know that before. Before, I had always felt like a caricature - that sheltered, homeschooled, church girl that didn't know who Pee Wee Herman was. I had been a spectacle - not one of a group, I was the outsider. But once I became myself, I found friends who accepted me.

Through this transformation, I learned about the world around me - something I had completely missed until then. And in this transformation, my naivety waned. I was excited about turning into myself finally. But when I acted like myself in front of my parents, the excitement wasn't returned. There were questions about what I was doing and assumptions I was doing things wrong. I immediately felt judged. I felt that I had to shut myself down and revert back to acting the way they wanted me to act.

I kept this charade up as much as I could stand it - it was just for holidays and some weekends after all, it couldn't be that hard. But being someone and acting like someone else is exhausting. And it didn't last all the way through college, anyway, because it was my senior year in college when I got pregnant. I remember so vividly the reaction I got from the people who had known me for so long - the blatant disappointment. People do strange things when they're judged instead of loved.

So I moved away again. I moved back to Nebraska - the place where I had transformed into myself a few years before. I moved to where I felt loved. I moved away from the judgment and disappointment because although I knew it still existed, the distance made it sting a bit less. And when I moved here, my friends were here. They didn't hold any grudges against me for getting pregnant. They accepted me for who I was and what I had done. If they were disappointed, I didn't know it. I felt loved again.

I am a mom now. I have a daughter being raised by wonderful parents. I have a son I try every day to raise to be a good person. I have been married nearly seven years. I have a good job. We are only 15 years away from owning this home we live in. I don't have any vices. The people I love, I love furiously. I don't purposefully hurt people. I work every day to improve myself and become a better person. And I still don't feel like that is good enough. I feel like if only I had turned out the way I was planned to, if only I could ignore myself and be someone else's paper doll of myself, maybe that would be enough.

Because despite my accomplishments and the person I am, I don't go to church. I watch rated R movies. I make raunchy jokes. I drink on occasion. I curse recreationally. I had sex before I was married. And because of that, I will always be thought of as lesser than someone who didn't do these things. I see this over and over again with children of religious upbringings. I see judgment. I hear lectures. I feel the disappointment. And I just want to shout that all of that is clogging up spaces where love could be.

Love people for who they are. Don't expect them to be someone else. Just because someone didn't turn out the way you expected them to doesn't mean they didn't turn into someone great. People come in different versions. We have different stories with different endings. We don't all have to be the same. Embrace the person. When you do, you'll see more of them, hear more from them, and become a larger fixture in their life. People want to be around people where they feel love, not judgment. We all want to be loved and accepted. It's time we start doing to others as we would have them do to us.